In the distant past I periodically wrote entries in my hand-written journals or my livejournal (R.I.P.) called “The State of the Sandy,” intended to be a way of setting goals, checking in on my progress and letting my far-away friends know what’s really going on in my life. And, really, to take a look at how I feel about some things because sometimes a truth pours out through my fingers that my conscious mind wasn’t aware of. Thus, the beauty of journaling in the first place. This is something like that.

Let’s get down to brass tacks. This has been a difficult year. I moved back to my hometown (Chicago) after ten years living away, to a family dealing with a lot of grief and a terrible money situation. My large, tight group of friends here are no longer very friendly with one another. I’m evolving and realizing that the career I’ve sacrificed everything for in the last six years isn’t making me happy in its current state.

It’s a time of change, and to think about these things too hard is to light a wick that leads to self- implosion and over-consumption of ice cream. There’s a lot to deal with in the business of my life that’s currently out of the hands of myself and most people involved. We all know how we got here, and some of it is shameful and some of it is remains beautiful in our memories. Mistakes were made, small victories have been celebrated, and life still goes on in a course one can’t predict, despite our efforts. But that’s always been true.

Focusing on the things that are still in my control, being thankful for what I do have and realizing that every day is truly a new one is what I’ve got to work with, so with that I’m keeping positive. I’m exploring new paths for my work, even though it means I’m broker than usual right now (Risks! Love them).  My family is heartbroken over their losses, both personal and literal, but I’d much rather be here with them in their trench, baking cakes and doing favors and trying to remind them they have a sense of humor, than blissfully unaware of it all in New York.

I still feel like a stranger here, starting over without really starting over, 50% of my life still in boxes in the garage waiting for the next move.  I’m feeling the weight of the immense lack of stability in my life, but I’m thankful I’m at a point in my life where it’s just added poundage, not a load that’ll topple me.

I share stupidly personal things because I know a lot of my friends are going through questionable moments too, and history has taught me there’s something about the mind’s pressure valve that eases down when one knows they’re not alone. I don’t feel alone; all I know about is everyone’s problems right now. Despite it all, life’s not bad. If I’m smiling, that’s just me happy to be in a good moment with good people. There’s no rule that says when times are hard they have to affect everything. Change is good, and the way I look at it, I’m just in the middle of another bout.

Also see: “The Facts of Life” theme song, below.

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